#jimmy toilet fuck jimmy

[chiis-archive]

had a dream during my nap about YIMMY getting really excited and thinking of "Jimmy John's" as though it was never created in that universe and the Tulpar crew make fun of him.

Curly: "Like...a toilet? Jimmy Toilet?"

he gets so upset and immediately crashes the ship lmao

[themouthwashes]

Can you draw jimmy urine as skibidi toilet? Pls and thank you! 😊 ❤️❤️❤️🔥🔥🔥🔥

Ask and you shall receive. (Also prob Swansea about to take the longest piss of his life)

[flebdoodle]

I made a TBHK/HermitCraft AU Pages from chapters 1 and 98, respectively

Who's who: Yashiro -> Mumbo Hanako -> Scar Kou -> Etho Mitsuba -> Bdubs Aoi -> Joel Akane -> Jimmy Lemon -> Scott Teru -> Grian Tiara -> Pearl Tsukasa -> Cub Sakura -> Impulse Natsuhiko -> Skizz Yako/No.2 -> Iskall Shijima/No. 4 -> Gem Tsuchigomori/No.5 -> Doc

[godmadeaterribleerror]

Chapter 3 - You've Torn Your Dress

Series Masterlist

Author's Note: This one's the first of many doozies. I recommend you clock out now if you think the following will distress you: mentions of rape, but no scenes or explicit description. If not, read on! Chapter Title is from Rebel Rebel by David Bowie.

Word Count: 7.7k

Chapter Summary/Warnings: Your first mission is delivered, and it goes about as expected. Contains usual tags, emphasis on mention of rape/non-con.

Tags: Soldier Boy/Supe!Female Reader, canon divergence, enemies to friends to lovers, canon divergence, slow burn, angst

Read on A03!

Chapter 2 - Chapter 4

Want to be tagged? Just ask!

When your team stepped into the safe house, you could see the moment the smell hit their noses.

“Merde,” Frenchie was the first to speak, a poor omen within itself. “What the fuck am I smelling?”

“Uh, probably the milk and meat. They’re the strongest.”

Annie said your name carefully, watching your reaction as she spoke. “What happened.”

“He wouldn’t put away the groceries.” You said with a shrug. You were over it. It was like, ten bad things ago.

“So you just. Left them out?” Hughie said, seemingly baffled.

“Yeah.”

“Mallory said she delivered them on the first night.” Annie glanced between you and Hughie.

“She did.”

Hughie’s eyes widened further. “That was almost two weeks ago.” When you just nodded in agreement, he pushed further. “They’ve been out the whole time?”

You frowned. “He doesn’t get to win.”

“What are you, five?” 

You just sighed, giving Hughie a pleading look. “Don’t tell MM.”

“What?” Butcher taunted from the back of the group. “That he was right, and you can’t handle Soldier Boy?”

“I thought you were on my side about this.”

“I’m on the side of the truth, Love.”

Both you, Annie, and Frenchie let out huffs of amusement at that claim, with Hughie looking sheepishly amused.

“You can’t possibly believe that.” Annie gave Butcher a pointed look. He only winked in response, leaving her to turn back to you with an eye roll.

“Has it been like this,” Hughie gestured vaguely around him. “The whole time?”

“Nah. Worse.”

Really, hell would be a better word for it. After the knife incident, there had been the toilet paper incident, which you had won, the coffee incident, also your victory, the laundry incident, point Soldier Boy, the TV incident, point you, and the Lord of the Rings incident, another point Soldier Boy. The Elton John, Jimmy Carter, and Rockefeller Center incidents had ended in stalemates akin to the Cold War, but should those fuses reignite, you were sure you could take them home. Overall, you’d burned him seven times, he’d thrown two chairs at you, you tossed shit in his face once and threatened castration on fifteen separate occasions, and he had offered to sleep with you thirty-one times.

“He hasn’t, he hasn’t hurt you. Right?” Hughie wasn’t fully looking at you when he asked, his voice soft and nervous.

“No. I mean, he’s tried. Not in… that way, but I’ve had a few things thrown at me. All the physical violence died out around the laundry incident, though. Now we’re using psychological warfare.”

“Laundry incident?” Hughie said at the same time that Frenchie said, “Psychological warfare?”

“Don’t ask.” Was your response to both. You’d avoid revisiting the laundry incident in your mind for the rest of your life if you could help it, and the actual practice of your warfare was more childish than you’d like to admit.

“Well, as lovely as a reunion this has been, we need to talk to you both. Where’s the cunt,  anyway?" Butcher craned his neck to look down the hall.

“Probably moping around in his room.” You shrugged. “Let’s talk in the living room, standing at the door is weird.”

While the living room hadn’t taken even close to as much damage as the kitchen, it had not escaped you and Soldier Boy’s sparring unscathed. Books provided by the CIA, which were mostly stereotypical classics, had been upended from their shelves and strewn across the floor. The TV was still intact, as was the sofa, but the former was stuck on PBS, and the latter was, at this point, compromised of 70% trash.

“Holy shit,” Hughie muttered as he stepped over a copy of Catcher in the Rye. “You can’t plan on living like this the whole time?”

“Well, if America’s number one man-baby would stop moaning and bitching about his glory days, then maybe, yeah.”

Annie gave you a concerned look. “And if he doesn’t?”

“Then I’ll castrate him.” Though the threat had now been made sixteen times, it never satisfied you less to say it.

“I’ve told you, Sunshine, if you did that, you would only be hurting yourself.”

Everyone in the room fell silent, their eyes trained over you with tense gazes. You turned to find Soldier Boy almost directly behind you. “I’ve told you, by definition, I’d only be hurting you.”

He gave a mocking pout. “Wouldn’t that plague your perfect little conscious?”

“I’d live.”

“Bitch.”

“Cunt.”

“Prude.”

“Manwhore.”

“Whiny Brat.”

“Waste of space.”

“Waste of good pussy.”

“Waste of government money.”

“Waste of Compound V.”

“Pathetic, assfaced Dickwad.”

“Stuck up, pretentious Ice Queen.”

“Geriatric, entitled, blue-balled G.I. Joe Fuckdoll”

The room had practically vanished around you as you and Soldier Boy fell into your now well-tread path of insults. Your blood was burning with that feeling, aching to burst across the room as both of you glared hard enough to, fingers crossed, kill the other.

“Jesus Christ,” Hughie said, breaking you out of your own spell.

“What are they doing here?” Soilder Boy asked, somehow having only just clocked their presence. “Do I finally get to do my job and leave?”

“No,” Annie answered. “We have no way of knowing how long you’ll be here at this point.”

“That’s what I said,” you muttered under your breath, turning back to your team.

“Yeah,” Soldier Boy said at full volume. “And I don’t fucking trust you.”

“Will you get off my ass about it now?”

“I think you like me on your ass, Sunshine. My offer never leaves the table.”

“Cunt.”

“Bitch.”

“Helpless man-child.”

“Prissy tease.”

“Glorified propaganda poster-“

“No,” Annie cut it. “We’re not doing that again.”

“Party pooper,” Butcher grumbled. “I was hoping they’d kill each other this time. Then we could just go home.”

“Well, did you at least bring me drugs?” Soldier Boy seemed to search the room, as if a pile of weed and coke would miraculously appear on the floor amongst the mess of wrappers and fluid-filled paper towels.

“We’re not buying you drugs with government money.” Annie said, giving you a look of apology. “As I’m sure you’ve been told.”

“Many times,” you affirm under your breath. You’d had to hide the glue on day five, which had let to the toilet paper incident on day six. A day had not passed since where you didn’t catch him trying to turn a new household object into something to snort.

“I thought weed was fucking legal now.” Soldier Boy glared at you, as if you were personally responsible for the CIA not buying him blunts. “It’s a free fucking country. I should be able to smoke whenever I damn please.”

“Porn is legal,” you reply. “Doesn’t mean the federal government is going to bring you some.”

“If they brought me porn and weed, I’d be far more open to whatever shit you want from me.” He winked at you.

“We gave you that last time,” Hughie pointed out, shifting nervously. “It barely helped.”

“Will you be a good little supe if we come back with porn and weed? Because we can go and-“

“No, we need to do this now.” Annie spoke over Butcher, and you noticed a line of worry on her forehead, along with Hughie’s nervous fidgeting. Though Butcher didn’t seem plagued by an anxious tell, he relented to Annie faster than you’d ever seen, and alarm bells went off in your head.

“Annie,” you bit the bullet, asking softly. “What is the ‘this’ you need us for?”

She gave you an apologetic look. “Trial run.”

“Trial run?”

“We’re giving you a test, Love.” Butcher said with a smirk. “See if your little experiment is even viable. Maybe take out a player in the process. All depends on if you and him,” he jerked his head to Soldier Boy. “Do your jobs right.”

“I don’t need your little ‘test’ to know if I can do my job.” Soldier Boy snapped.

“Last time you failed,” Hughie muttered.

Frenchie nodded in agreement. “In a spectacular manner, yes.”

“Because that bitch and that pussy stopped me.” An angry scowl was thrown at Annie and Butcher, who returned it and grinned widely back respectively.

“You were going to kill a kid,” Annie said coldly.

“He shouldn’t have been in the line of fire.”

“The line of fire? Do you hear yourself? Do you really care about others so little that-“

“I’d do it again,” he snapped back, unbothered by Annie’s disgust. “You don’t get to ask me for help and get mad when I do.”

You gave Butcher a pointed look. “Aren’t you glad you listened to me?”

Though all you got in response was a grunt from Butcher, Soldier Boy’s eyes shot to you. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

You returned his glare, steeling your own eyes to match his interrogating gaze. “We’re removing the ‘kill a kid’ option from your choices. You want to know why we’re stuck here? Because you fucked it last time, and we won’t let you fuck up again.”

“You won’t let me?” He sneered, leering at you coldly. “You don’t let me do anything, Sunshine.”

If the “Sunshine” thing continued to stick, you might have to throw yourself off a roof. But you didn’t flinch, just tilting your head mockingly. “You wouldn’t need a shock collar if you hadn’t bit the hand.”

“I wouldn’t bite the hand if it hadn’t tried to kill me.”

“Nobody tried to kill you, Mate.” Butcher interjected. Soldier Boy’s anger switched back to him with fists curling at his side, but Butcher kept talking with a bored drawl. “You shouldn’t have bloody fucked up.”

“And, like I said,” you shrugged. “It won’t happen again.”

“If I see the shot, I’ll take it. Whether you like it or not.”

Looking into his eyes, you believed him. No doubt fogged your brain that, given the opportunity, Soldier Boy wouldn’t hesitate to take out Ryan Butcher with Homelander. Part of you, the angry and bitter part still trapped underground, understood that. But you’d see Ryan once, from afar, and he had looked so young. You didn’t have to imagine his fear or touch him to understand what it was like. For your life to change abruptly and without reason, to have to sprint to keep up with your new one. Soldier Boy had volunteered for this life. Ryan hadn’t. You hadn’t.

So, holding Soldier Boy’s gaze, you made your voice clear and steady. “You don’t get to take the shot until it’s clear. Ryan will be out of the picture before you even see Homelander.” You turned to Annie. “What’s the test?”

“Head-popper.” Butcher answered for Annie with an odd look at you. His voice carried the usual light and oddly joyful tone he used when discussing murdering supes, but his eyes on yours were quieter, with less manic vengeance than you’d seen before. If you didn’t know better, you’d call them thankful.

“Head-popper?”

Hughie jumped in at your confused frown. “Neuman.”

“Oh,” you paused, looking over Hughie’s worried face. “We’re going after Neuman?”

“Who the fuck is Neuman?” Soldier Boy asked with a reluctant grumble. You had picked up on his consistent annoyance with new things after you’d found him screaming at the microwave three days ago, and not knowing new people didn’t seem to be any different.

“She’s a supe who can pop people’s heads like balloons.” Frenchie gestured in imitation for effect. “It’s disgusting.”

“And she’s the VP elect, which would put an ally of Homelander in the White House, one step from the Oval Office.” Annie said pointedly, giving Frenchie a look. You offered him a small smile over her head. Though the demonstration hadn’t been helpful, watching his hands fly around mimicking Neuman’s powers was undeniably entertaining.

“She's dangerous,” Hughie added. “But she’s not a bad person. We don’t want to kill her, just remove her powers.”

“What do we need her for then?” You didn’t have to look to know Soldier Boy’s accusation was directed at you. You bit your tongue, trying to ignore the way the words seeped into your skin.

Because he’s right. A cruel whisper said into your ear, and the itch on your skin began to feel like a rash. You were saved from the plague of your thoughts—the urgent feeling to fall prompted by almost nothing—by Butcher.

“If you think you’re going anywhere without her, Governor, you’d better get used to being wrong. She’s there for the same reason she’s here. So you don’t go postal.”

Soldier Boy gave you an unreadable look as the rush of your heart in your chest slowed from Butcher’s words. You turned away from him, but you could almost feel his eyes through your skull as you looked at Butcher with a blank face.

“What’s the plan?” You asked, praying it would be simple, with as few people as possible around and, ideally, in the middle of a desert filled exclusively with fire extinguishers.

“MM and Kimiko are doing recon on one of Bob Singer’s rallies. Frenchie will create a distraction for the secret service, and Neuman’s personal detail is going to suddenly disappear-“

“Disappear?” You interrupted Butcher with raised eyebrows.

“Keep your panties on, they’ve been bribed. Once she’s isolated, Soldier Boy’ll blast her, and we can all go home confident in your little gambit.”

You hesitated, trying to imagine the last political rally you’d seen. Group of people in tight groups, electrical wiring for microphones, speakers, and lights. Gates and closed doors, hallways leading out onto streets. “How are we going to isolate her?”

“Me and Butcher will work on that,” Annie said, almost reaching for you with a reassuring pat, but thinking better and jerking her arm back. She opened her mouth, an apology certainly on her, but you raised your hand to cut her off.

“How long until we leave?” You asked. Maybe they’d say ‘three hours’ and you’d get to talk to someone who didn’t think swing music was sonically viable for a bit.

Hughie checked his watch. “Ten minutes ago.”

“Ago?” Your eyes widened.

He gave you a sheepish look. “We thought it would take less time to get you.” He turned to Soldier Boy. “Your suit’s in the van. I can bring it out-“

“I can change on the way.” Soldier Boy grumbled, ignoring Hughie’s start of sputtering protests. “Let’s get this over with.”

———-

Much to his annoyance, they had forgotten Ben’s shield, and nobody would let him change in the van. He tried several times, only to be met by a chorus of groans, shouting, and swearing. He had listened to their complaints only because she had started giving him a look he recognized as a flag for a storm of uncontrolled fire. No hot disgust or sparks of rage, only a cold and quiet, almost glassy-eyed stare. Her heart steady but her breathing too fucking controlled to be natural, measured so equally that it sounded mechanical. So, because he figured she would only become more bitchy to live with if she incinerated her alleged “friends”, Ben stopped trying to pull his shirt over his head.

Once he did, the van fell insufferably silent. The edged pleasantries and conversation he’d overheard during Butcher and his band of Assholes arrival had ceased save for tense questions and hushed conversations. Ben didn’t fail to notice all the spineless avoidance and careful words directed at them both. She, even after the foggy look faded, remained curled into a corner, trading small and toothless smiles with her team. More timid than he’d seen her before, almost like a scolded child as she looked around the van nervously. Her eyes watched the shadows as though Homelander himself might jump from them, the chew of her lip giving Ben a headache. The only words she spoke were a jab at Ben when he’d said something about political rallies post-election being fucking pathetic—giving him a lecture about American politics now heavily depending on something called “going viral”—only to fall silent once more after. Her team looked at her like a glass bomb, as if she was a delicate statue looming over their heads and not the vulgar, violent woman who slept down the hall from him. That woman infuriated him, testing his patience every time she opened her mouth, but this paranoid, skittish pussy of a girl was so much worse. So when the van halted and Butcher’s team began to filter out, he called her name. When she ignored him, he reached out and grabbed her arm.

“What the fuck!” She pulled herself out of his grip in a second, staring at him with anger. She glanced down at her arms, a look he didn’t understand crossing her face, before returning her attention to him. “Do not touch me.”

“I barely touched you,” he glowered, annoyance quickly flooding him. He had only brushed skin, with a light grip she had thrown off, there was no need to be so dramatic. “When I touch you for real, you’ll fucking know, Sunshine. And you’ll fucking beg for it. I needed to make you listen, you were fucking ignoring me.”

Her brows knit, and he heard the chew of her teeth on her tongue. “I’m not going to beg for anything, and I wasn’t ignoring you.”

“I said your name, and you kept fucking walking.”

“I didn’t hear you.” She snapped, but didn’t relent. “Speak up next time.”

She knew just as well as Ben did that they were both far from quiet, pussy-voiced fuckers. And while he definitely hadn’t yelled for her attention, it shouldn’t have fucking mattered. He��d seen her pick up his grumbled insults and mocking comments just fine over the past two weeks. “Bitch.”

“What do you want?” She asked with a sigh, ignoring his jab and looking at him as if he exhausted her just by breathing. “We have to go, and you still need to change.”

“You shouldn’t let them treat you like that.” He said, not hiding the contempt from his voice. He wasn’t going to skirt around his thoughts, lining them gently to help her fucking feelings.

Her body tensed, her limbs looking as if they’d locked into place. “Like what?” Ben heard her swallow as she answered, her voice not lost enough to make her sound clueless to his words.

“Like you’re a child they have to coddle. A problem they have to deal with.”

She stared at him, her glassy-eyes returning. “Shut up. You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about, cunt-face.”

Ben snorted. “They don’t treat you like the bitch you are. They always use that sweet, pussy voice, like they’re talking to a fucking puppy, when they say something to you. They’re always all fucking pouty when they look at you, pussyfooting around so they don’t make you sad.” He gave her a mocking grin, hoping the next words landed like a bullet. “They treat you like me.”

It had clearly worked, as the van had grown hot, and her eyes were clearing as her heart began to pick up. Ben felt an odd feeling cover him as he heard it, almost familiar and sparking pride in his chest. She wasn’t a jittery shell anymore, she was going to try and kill him. It made his grin grow genuine, and the van grew only more heated, the air waving around them.

Her mouth opened, and Ben hoped whatever came out of it would be vile and crude.

“Hey!” She turned her head and clenched her jaw as someone called her name from outside, the van rattling as a fist banged against it. “We need to go!”

The door opened to reveal the Cocksucker, whose face grew quickly red, a bead of sweat falling from his hairline, as he was blasted with a quickly dying wave of heat.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, turning from Ben as the heat dropped further. “Coming.”

Cocksucker gave her a worried look, his gaze flying quickly to Ben, but just nodded and stood aside for her to move past.

As the door closed and Ben began to change, he listened for their soft, tense words.

“Are you okay? Did he do anything to you?” Cocksucker’s voice was nervous and gentle, like being suffocated by one of those fucking fluffy blankets Ben had seen in the empty bedroom of the safe house.

“No, he just grabbed me to talk. And you don’t have to keep asking me that. I’m fine, and it’s not as helpful as you think it is.” Ben frowned at her voice, the malice from it drained entirely in only a few seconds, replaced with only a tired hollowness.

“Grabbed you?! Like, he touched you?”

Having anticipated Cocksucker being more interested in the “talk” part of her sentence, or the shit that sounded like it was about feelings, Ben's brain rattled over Cocksucker’s word, his tone of panic looping in Ben’s head. He spoke of Ben’s touch as though it were a plague, and not something many people would kill to feel. Ben almost burst out of the van to say just that, but froze when he heard her answer.

“It was fast, I didn’t feel much. Even if I did, it doesn’t matter. I can’t go the rest of my life without touching people.” Her voice had a finality to it, and Ben could almost picture her downturned lips and wrinkled brow.

“You touch us when you heal us.” Even Cocksucker’s voice didn’t sound sure of his response.

“It’s not the same, and you know that.”

There was a momentary stall in their words, and Ben took the opportunity to emerge, securing his belt as he walked to the door. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to see, but Cocksucker looking pathetically around, anywhere but the woman as she curved into herself, wasn’t it. She held a white-knuckle grip on the sleeves of her jacket, her thumb running up and down in small movements. They both turned to him as the door banged open, and Ben caught the empty look behind her eyes before her indifference slipped back into place.

“Did you hurry me just to sit around like pussies, or are we going to start fucking moving?” He asked, the air feeling too uncomfortable to sit in.

Cocksucker blinked, glancing at his watch. “We have a few minutes until they arrive, but I guess it can’t hurt to be vigilant-“

“Arrive?” The woman’s eyes widened, and Ben saw smoke curl from her hold on her jacket. “They’re coming here?”

Cocksucker nodded. “It’s a high-security escape exit-“

“It’s a fucking street, Hughie.”

“That’s used as a high-security escape exit.” After a moment of searching the area, Cocksucker pointed a few yards down, at a large door set against brick. “Neuman will come right out of there, and her guards will close her out here, where Soldier Boy will blast her.” He paused, glancing at Ben, before looking back at the door and taking small, cowardly steps away from his spot between them.

“It’s a public area, anyone could walk past! What the fuck were you thinking?!” Her voice was hushed and agitated, and Ben had never seen her face lose color at that speed before, had never heard her heart stutter and jump as if trying to escape her body.

“It’ll be fine,” Cocksucker’s voice wavered, giving them both a nervous look. “It should be fine. MM said it would be fine.”

“You heard him, Sunshine,” Ben gave her a wink, adding a half-cocked smile when she didn’t even return him with a dirty look. “MM said it would be fine. And have some fucking faith in me, I’m not a fucking monster. I won’t blast any running pussies except for this head-popper broad.”

“You don’t even know what she looks like.” Her tone wasn’t quite the vicious mockery he was used to, but it was better than the apathetic, empty voice she’d been using. She was rolling on the balls of her feet, speaking without looking at him, her eyes moving restlessly from the door to the end of the street. “And I don’t believe you.”

Ben just shrugged, allowing the silence to hang. The wind was picking up, whistling through the chill of winter air, making the heat around them, emitting from both Ben and the woman, all the more obvious. Despite the biting cold, Cocksucker had taken off his stupid puffy jacket, even stepping back further from where they stood, with Ben in the center of the street and the woman off to the left. Despite her slowly stepping further and further back, her back now almost against the wall, Ben could feel her watching him, hear her heart continue its new and erratic beat.

“How long now, Hughie?” Her voice was raised to carry over the wind, though it hadn’t lost that stupid fucking weakness. Cocksucker, thank fuck, didn’t get a chance to respond with pathetically comforting words, as only one skipping heartbeat after she spoke a shrill fire alarm sounded.

“I’m assuming that’s your stupid French fuck's plan?” Ben asked dryly. “Start a fucking fire? I thought you pussies were all about minimal damage.”

“He probably just pulled the alarm.” The Cocksucker’s answer lacked any confident assurance. “And I think we’re just against needless murder.”

Ben almost started to rant about their so-called needless murder being a mighty high horse for a group of people who had manipulated him just as much as Vought, who’d been willing to help him kill all those backstabbing pussies from Payback so he’d help them. About how their stupid fucking moral purity complex seemed to adjust perfectly to aid them, and maybe he wasn’t a fucking angel, but he was strong and powerful—something they fucking needed—man, and he wasn’t a pussyfaced liar about what he was, what he did. The words died on his tongue, though, as hundreds of frenzied footsteps reached his ears.

“Fuck!” he growled, turning around and pointing at Cocksucker. “You fucking pussy.”

Cocksucker gave him an idiotically confused stare. “Dude, uncalled for.”

“She,” Ben pointed to the woman, whose heart was beating impossibly fast and looking on with a bloodless face. “Was fucking right. This is a stupid plan, because unless your head-popper walks like a human centipede, it’s not going to be just her that I fucking hit when that door opens.”

Cocksucker only gaped at him like a fish as the footsteps grew louder, annoyingly unsure stutters  escaping him, and just as Ben decided it might be good to slap the idiot out of his daze, the woman stepped forward.

“We need to move, Hughie. Now.” Her voice wasn’t steady, her whole body was tensed and hyper, but it held a determination Ben almost admired. “We can’t be here.”

“He- he could be fucking lying, or wrong-“

“That’s not a risk we can afford to take.” She cut off Cocksucker’s doubts, and Ben found himself surprised at her defense of him, even if it could barely be called that. Her hands were smoking once more, but she had firmly planted herself in the middle of the road, eyes turning sharply to Ben. “If people see you, any element of surprise over Homelander would be lost. We need to fucking move, you need to get in the fucking van now-“

The door banged open, and the streets flooded as hoards of people in star and stripe-themed outfits flooded the road. Everything became so loud, and that rapt, snapping sound in Ben’s head started to spread through him, spurring the drum in his chest. They were finding rhythm so fast, everything fading as Ben tried to slow it. But there were screams and shouts, and everything was getting further and further away from him while carving into him all the same, so though Ben could hear the sounds of metal clanging and shouts of his supe name, he couldn’t think anything past the beat beat beat, until he lost it all at once.

As his vision grew clear with his head, Ben expected to see shattered bodies and bloody walls. Instead, all he saw was the woman and fire. Her face was flushed red, her eyes crazed, and her clothes had become charred with holes as the fire surged from her into a barrier, cutting them off from the crowd. Cocksucker was yelling her name, urging them both to return to the van and leave, but as Ben moved, he glanced back to see the woman frozen and heard her heart as if it were his own. The wall was growing wider and shooting high, Cocksucker wouldn’t shut the fuck up about moving, but her eyes had squeezed shut, unresponsive to anything but the growing flames.

“We need to fucking go, now!” Ben turned to see a large man he vaguely recognized barreling down their side of the street, his face twisted in anger. Butcher, Starlight, a small woman he remembered fighting, and that French prick followed him, all loading into the van as the large man stopped beside Cocksucker.

“I told you he’d fucking blow it,” the man said, giving Ben a disgusted look, so flawlessly revolted Ben wouldn’t be surprised if he’d fucking practiced in the mirror.

“Hey, I didn’t fucking blow it, you pussy-“

“You said that Neuman would come out of here, that it would just be her!” Cocksucker, much to Ben’s shock, cut him with a high voice and a wave at the wall of fire. “That’s way more than just her! Is she even there?!”

“No,” the man said gruffly. “Neuman saw Butcher and figured out something was up. She’s long gone.”

“Fuck!” Cocksucker yelled, running a hand through his hair.

“Oi, we can go over how MM fucked up later,” Butcher leaned out from the van. “We need to go before she sends Homelander.”

“How I fucked up? You’re the one who disobeyed me and blew our cover-“

“What’s wrong with Madame Anomaly?” The French Prick appeared at Butcher's side.

Cocksucker glanced at the woman, calling her name before turning to the large man Butcher had called MM. “She absorbed Soldier Boy’s blast. I think it got her stuck.”

“We don’t have time for this. Get Soldier Boy in the van, I’ll take care of the Anomaly.” MM repeated the French Prick’s words, and Ben realized they were, for the first time, using the woman’s supe name.

“You heard him, Gov. Get in the bloody van.” Butcher’s words were clearly directed at Ben, but as he climbed into the van Ben saw Butcher’s attention locked on the woman.

MM had moved closer to the woman, a move Ben deemed more fucking stupid than brave. If she had “absorbed his blast,” as Cocksucker said, he wouldn’t recommend any non-supe be anywhere near her. MM seemed to realize this himself at the last possible second, taking a pathetic, stumbling step back with a pause. He and Cocksucker exchanged a look, something passing between them that Ben didn’t understand, before Cocksucker leaned down to grab a pebble from the road. Ben watched as he shakily shook out his arms, wound up, and tossed the pebble at the woman.

It was a terrible fucking idea, Ben didn’t have to be Einstein to know that, but the chain reaction that played out still managed to go worse than he might have guessed.

The woman whirled around, her eyes blazing, with a roar sounding from her chest. Fire shot from the wall directly at Cocksucker. In almost slow motion, Ben watched her face become painted with horror as she recognized her target, a different, fearful sound leaving her. She reached an arm out, her heart seeming to falter, and barely redirected the flames before they hit Cocksucker in the chest. The blaze just grazed Cocksucker’s arm, passed the van clear of anyone else, and hit the building with a boom.

The moment the bricks caught fire and the ground began to shake as the building crumbled, the woman's wall of fire fell. The woman herself remained upright, but only barely as MM shouted her name and she started to stumble to the van. Cocksucker was hauled in by Starlight and the French Prick, the former fussing over his burnt arm—Ben had seen worse at Herogasm and nobody whined about it—and Cocksucker waved her off. The woman pulled herself in, ignoring Butcher’s outstretched hand, and the door closed behind her. MM appeared in the driver’s seat, and as the engine started everyone fell into a heavy-breathed silence.

Through the ride, Ben watched the woman open and close her mouth a million times, returned to her fetal position in the corner but watching Cocksucker with a strained face. Her hands tapped against her still-smoking jacket, reaching out hesitantly before she pulled them back into herself. No words were spoken, not even the anxious whispers of the ride there. Ben felt relief as the van stopped, MM climbing out and opening the doors to reveal the exterior of the safe house, grateful for any excuse to leave these stupid, sniffing pussies to wallow in their failure.

MM led Ben and the woman to the doors, opened them by leaning oddly at the doorbell, and gestured for them to walk through. The man followed them in, shutting the doors behind him with a rough push.

“If we failed the test, I am not doing that fucking shit again.” Ben grumbled as MM turned around from the now-shut entrance.

“Butcher told me about the fucking mess you and him made in here.” MM ignored Ben entirely, speaking to the woman as if he wasn’t even there. “A team cleaned it up while you were gone, and Mallory will send more groceries tomorrow night. I saw a picture, it was fucking gross. I’m only doing it once, because I don’t want a new disease to develop in here. You’re an adult, you should take care of this place by your goddamn self.”

The woman looked at her feet, humming a small acknowledgment. She didn’t look up as she spoke. “Is Hughie going to be okay?”

MM sighed. “The kid will live. I’ll look at him when we get back.”

“I could help-“

MM cut her off with her name. “He’ll be fine. We’ll make sure of it.”

She gave another nervous hum, and Ben jumped in.

“Can you answer my fucking question-“

“We’ll let you know what our next steps are after we talk to Mallory and Singer. This wasn’t good, but it’s not the end of the damn world.” Once again, MM ignored Ben. It was starting to feel personal. Before Ben could push further, MM reached a hand out to rest on the woman’s shoulder, right over a hole in her sleeve. Her head shot up with her heart, but the panic in her seemed to evaporate just as soon as it appeared. Her name was gentle as MM spoke it, eyes locked with hers. “You didn’t fuck up. You did your job.” She nodded slowly. “It’ll be fine.” With those last words, he exited the building, leaving Ben and the woman in the hall.

“What’s his fucking problem?” Ben grunted, half directed at the woman, half to just say it.

She gave him a flat look. “You killed his family.” Before he could come up with a clever response, honest or dodging the annoying feeling of guilt forming in his throat, the woman turned from him and walked away.

———-

You were so tired. Your bones ached, oddly cold in a way you hadn’t felt in a while, your skin crawled with feverish chills, and when you closed your eyes, you could see the flames graze Hughie and the building turn to dust. As MM’s lingering calm he’d offered you faded, all you felt was tired. Worthless. A liability. You had fucked up, just as much as Soldier Boy. Maybe more so, because he had PTSD, even if he would deny being a “hung-up pussy”. He had lost control because he’d been tortured by Russians, you’d almost killed your friend and definitely destroyed a rec center because you’d been startled. You just wanted to sleep, to deal with the inevitable fight about groceries in the morning, running on more than quickly expiring adrenaline and caffeine pills stuck in your throat.

You made it to your room, changing into one of the pajama sets folded in your drawers, hoping someone mentioned that the allegedly fire-proof wardrobe you’d been given apparently wasn’t strong enough for the full force of your fire combined with Soldier Boy’s nuclear explosions. A shame, you’d liked the pants you’d chosen for the mission. You’d live without the jacket, though. You’d hardly pulled the shirt over your head when the door ripped open, a still suit-clad Soldier Boy standing at your door.

“What fucking happened to you?” His question was blunt and confusing as he entered your room, remaining near the door but over the threshold.

Your body was too heavy to fight with him right now. There was no tense prickling on the bridge of your nose, only the throbbing stab of a headache. “Go away, Soldier Boy.”

“All of you have a fucking thing. A weird, sad reason to whine around and pretend you’re better than me.” He didn’t budge, but rather leaned forward. “What’s yours.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You said I killed MM’s family. Butcher’s always pussying around about Homelander stealing his girl. Cocksucker mentioned something about that fast asshole doing something as well. I’m not sure what the French Prick bitches about, but I’m sure it’s something.”

“First of all, you did kill MM’s family.” You really don’t want to do this right now, but maybe he’ll give up and fuck off. A fruitless wish, a small part of you knows, but you have nothing left to push back with. “And Homelander didn’t ‘steal Butcher’s wife’, he raped her.”

“Right.” Soldier Boy watched you, his expression unreadable in the shadowy room. “Those are all fucking things. So tell me what yours is.”

“I don’t have one,” even as you speak the insistence, it sounded fake and hollow.

He takes another step forward. “Yes, you do. I saw how you froze, nobody without a thing locks up like that. I heard Cocksucker ask you if I ‘hurt you’. Just for the record, Sunshine, I may not be a Boy Scout, but I’m no fucking rapist.”

“You’ve tried to sleep with me thirty-three times.”

“And I’ll blow your mind when you realize how much you’d love it, no sooner. What’s your fucking thing.”

You stare at him, the intensity in his voice throwing you off. He’s insistent, comfortable in your room but standing at his full height, attention fixed entirely on you. That impression of dissection has returned—the feeling as if he’s trying to pick you apart for him to play with. “Why do you even care?”

“Because maybe if you tell me, I can kill what supe fucked up your pretty little head and you’ll be less of a bitch.”

You can’t stop the snort that escapes you. “What a selfish fucking cunt reason.”

He shrugged in something that could’ve been an agreement. “Maybe.” He falls silent, but doesn't leave.

You collapse to sit on the edge of your bed, staring ahead as you rub your temple. “Please just go.”

“No.”

You look at him, not caring if he sees the desperation in your eyes. “Can this not wait six hours for the morning?”

“No.”

“Do you know any words but no?” You mutter under your breath.

You didn’t miss his annoyed humph. “Oh, just fucking tell me.”

“No.” It was your turn to snap. Your exhaustion was becoming lined with bitter childishness, and you didn’t care enough to try and suppress your urge to sneer at him.

“Why not?”

“Because you’re an idiotic, self-absorbed, sadist asshat who wouldn’t know empathy if it started sucking his dick.” You mocked.

He grinned. “Ok, now name my bad qualities.”

“I’m not telling you.”

“I’ll start guessing,” he took another step forward, now almost directly before you. “Did that red-headed lesbian steal your puppy?

You frowned up at him. “Maeve was bisexual.”

“Did Noir take credit for a college project?” He ignored your comment, leaning down with a mocking smirk.

“Trust me, I got all my dues in college.”

“Did that gay-for-Jesus blond steal your boyfriend? Did the fast asshole that stole Cocksucker’s girl break up with you? Did water-boy eat your goldfish?”

“I’ve never met Ezekiel, A-Train actually murdered Hughie’s girlfriend, and The Deep famously doesn’t eat seafood, he fucks it. But by all means, keep going.”

Soldier Boy blinked. “He fucks it?”

“Yep. It’s gross.” You shrug. “Are you done?”

“Are you going to answer my question?”

You give a toothless smile. “Not until you get all your guesses out.”

“Oh?” There was unquestionable surprise in his voice at your relent, only making your fake cheer grow and your immature anger fully overtake you.

“I want you to feel like a real fucking asshole when I tell you.”

His face split open with a grin. “Well then, did the Twins kick you out of Herogasm? Did that bitch, Crimson Countess, overshadow your big debut? Did a Z-lister get more attention than you from the Vought pussies?”

You just raised your eyebrows, crossing your arms as Soldier Boy continued until the list of supes ran dry. As the last jeer left his mouth, he mirrored your face of cold amusement.

“Well?”

You leaned back, watching him closely as you spoke. “Homelander kidnapped me, kept me in a dungeon, raped me in an attempt to make more mini-Homelanders, and, after you returned, started experimenting on me to try and recreate the V used on you.”

A small shock rushed through you after you spoke. You hadn’t said any of that out loud, not fully, since you’d escaped. You danced around it with Butcher and his team, with Mallory and the CIA leaders, always picking and choosing parts to omit so nobody would look at you with pity and fear. It hadn’t worked, they did anyway, but there had still been control over it. Up until this moment, nobody had known why Homelander had done all those things to you. Everyone had seemed happy to chalk it up to him being a fucking psychopath, not anything deeper. Certainly not attempting to create a small army of additional Ryan Butchers. Small things were still yours, flashes of hunger and warped sounds remaining in your head, but everything else you had just told him.

Why did you do that? A voice hissed as the high from your petulance faded. Why did you let him win? Why did you give him a weapon to use that could hurt you?

But looking at him, he didn’t appear to be a portait of self-satisfaction and heartless triumph. He was staring at you, scanning you as though the scars Homelander left would be visible on your bare legs and arms. When he spoke, his voice wasn’t weak or coddling, but angry.

“He kept you locked up?”

You nod, part of you getting ready to fight him over something.

“He hurt you? To try and recreate me?” Your repeated nodding only seemed to inflate whatever was happening. “Did it hurt?”

Your arms and face started at that, an uncertain feeling spreading through you. There had been no reverent tone as Soldier Boy had asked the last question, no sadistic for affirmation. But you didn’t know what he wanted to hear. Why he even wanted to know. But an involuntarily honest answer escaped you. “Yes.”

He stared at you for another second before he opened his mouth, only to close it without making any sound. Abruptly, he whipped around and began to leave, giving you only one more indecipherable look as he closed the door behind him, leaving you on the edge of your bed, alone in your room.

You lay down slowly, half expecting him to storm back in at any moment, but minutes passed, quickly turning into a half hour, and your body sat at the edge of collapse once more. Soon it was unbearable, and you lay down, your racing mind being forced to a halt as sleep pulled you under.

Your sleep, as had been the case for a while now, was haunted by nightmares of blue eyes and yellow, fluorescent lights. You woke up in a cold sweat, and took a long, needlessly warm shower before forcing yourself to leave your room around 9:30. Despite your lingering fatigue, no part of you wasn’t restless as you walked down the stairs. Your body tense and ready to run, your head spinning with hypotheticals and lining up words you may need—that feeling under your skin creeping up your spine and fluttering in your gut. But Soldier Boy wasn’t in the living room or the hall. You poked your head in the dining room, hoping to avoid the minefield of the kitchen, but it was empty, the plastic chandelier lights off, the table occupied only by a vase of wilted flowers. You moved to the kitchen, ringing growing in your ears, but he wasn’t there. You turned to walk away, continue your search, but double-back as it hit you.

Nothing was in the kitchen. It was empty. Of Soldier Boy, and of the groceries MM said would be delivered.

You wandered in slowly, watching the counters as if they might start to glitch and flicker, revealing hidden produce and dirty dishes. But, leaning over the sink, there was a single plate, soaking in water that was dotted with crumbs. Slowly, you moved to the refrigerator, slowly opening it as you glanced around the room. Your eyes widened at the sight inside. Milk, drinks, and produce had been placed inside, disorganized and haphazardly. There was a jar of mayonnaise in the fresh drawer, along with a box of pasta on a side shelf, but the fridge was full. You moved quickly to the pantry, which had been sorted in a similar fashion, but filled. And when you opened the last cabinet, you saw a piece of paper stuck under a jar of peanut butter.

I know I did a shit job. Clean up if it bothers you, but don't bitch to me about it. And tell Mallory to get smooth peanut butter next time, or I’m not doing anything for her but killing Homelander - Ben

[cherriesformatt]

waiting || chris sturniolo

chrisxfem!reader

summary: when reader and chris are about to become parents

warnings: fluff

word count: 2k

a/n: My first story for Chris who cheers 🫢 I did not proof read yet! I hope you like it ❤️ Thank you for the request.

I was nervously checking the test every second sitting on a closed toilet seat. Chris was staring at it too while sitting on the bathtub edge. We had some scares before, but this one? This one felt a little too real.

We were in Boston for few days now and his mom made her famous shepherd's pie that I loved so much. But it just made me sick and I just have been feeling very weird lately and with my period late it just could mean one thing.

And let me tell you, both of us just looked like we saw a ghost. We have been laughing when Matt and Tilly had an accident - that oops great it wasn't us. Their daughter was born few weeks ago and we are here because they brought her to meet whole family.

But here we fucking go. Two red lines on both of the tests I was holding.

"Fuck...." I heavily breathed out.

I looked at Chris and he looked at me and also let the air out of his lungs as he held his breath for a little. He took his hat of to fix his hair and he put it back on. He put his hand on my thigh.

"I cannot believe this.. I wanna say it's karma but that would be a little mean" He said.

His tone was so calm that it actually made my crazy because I wanted to scream.

"We were teasing them for whole nine months so there we go hun.... our time to shine" I said and hid my face in my hands.

"y/n.... We got this, okay? I know I am a fucking big baby...and you had different plans but... we got this. Anything you decide to do....we got this" He hugged me tight to his body.

Of course I wanted to keep the baby. It was no other choices for me. We have been together for almost two year. I love Chris so much but we just came to the path that we were very happy just two of us. We had a rocky first year awith both of us having trust and commitment issues it wasn't easy and now I will have to share him with our baby.

"I know we do..." I said into his neck.

We didn't tell anyone on this trip because we waned this time to be only Matt's and Tilli's attention spot. But we did tell them right after we came back to LA. Jimmy and Marylou were with us because they wanted to help out with little Noa.

Me and Chris were both lazy souls and we were too overwhelmed to come up with like a cute idea to tell everyone. We just decided to do it.

"So...Noa is going to be a big cousin...surprise!" Chris said when we were all at the dinner table at Matt's house.

"What the fuck are you saying bro?" Matt looked at him with wide eyes.

'I am pregnant" I said looking at him and smiled a little.

"Was that like planned? Is it my turn too? What is this?" Nick laughed.

"Believe me it was not...."I said quietly.

"y/n honey... thats why you were so under the weather in Boston... sweats congratulations" Their mom hugged my tight.

Jimmy hugged Chis too and we just answered all the questions they had before Tilly took me and gave me all the advices and have me her pregnancy stuff she had packed to give away.

Other than the first few weeks the pregnancy was very easy on me. Chris was there for every appointment and he seemed to be really exited. I knew how he loved watching his brother becoming a father but I didn't know he is going to be that much happy about being one as well right now.

I was happy too, we made a space, we were stable, we could make the best for the baby. But we were also very young and that was just scary.

"Nick... I am not doing anything weird, can we just like.. go to the beach? On sunset... I do not need any dresses or flowers. I just need Chris and we should take Matt, Tilly and Noa for the photoshoot" I said to the oldest triplet.

"Okay, okay I knew you will going to say that.... You and Chris are just so basic... " He said.

I asked him to take our pregnancy photos, so we could have it for ourselves.

"If you would ask Chris I am pretty sure he would want our pregnancy photo shoot on Summer Smash stage with Lil Skies" I laughed.

He did as well because he knew I was right. Nick and I were alone at his house because Chris and Matt were gone to the festival. It took me and Tilly two weeks to convince them to go. They were very overprotecting of us. Matt said he would go when they will go to Chicago with him so Tilly did. But I had a lot of work to do here so I couldn't. So Chris said yes but only if I would stay over at Nick's so he will know I am safe.

"You are actually impossible you know?" He said when he walked in to our apartment and saw me painting walls in our son's room.

I was 7 months pregnant. My belly was really big already but I was feeling great. We just had a little gender reveal party for our friends and family. We waited for so long because we didn't know if we want to know but then both of us couldn't wait so we let Tilly organize one for us. We were going to have a boy. Chris was over the moon.

"I was bored and I am fine Chris" I said from the ladder..

"Get down here bro...I do not care you're giving me hart attack. I would you I will do it" He helped me down.

"I love you Chris but I am literally not made of glass" I hugged him and have him quick kiss.

"Yes you are...I missed you both today..." He put his hands on my belly and smiled.

"We missed you too" I said and smiled.

That night we were laying in bed reading. Yes, reading. Both of us were reading parenting books from Tilly.

"This is bullshit it is making me very anxious and I feel like the birth school is enough" He put the book down.

"Me too... honestly I have been thinking the same... everyone keeps telling us what to do and how... and it doesn't help. I mean, sure I take all the advice but in the same time I feel like we need to learn by ourself when he will be here" I said pitting book down.

"We should...You should rest and have the last months of this pregnancy for you...without any stress. And it is our last months just two of us...I wanna spend nice time with you without all of this" He took our books and put them down.

He took my hands into his and gave both of them a kiss.

"Come on a baby moon trip with me? Just two of us..." He asked looking at me and I smiled.

"Chris... this is so sweet" I said.

"Of course..." I aded and leaned in to kiss him.

We both decided that we felt the most comfortable and happy on Cape Cod in the cabin. That's also were we met so we wanted to go there. We rented our own cabin just in case his family wanted to use the other one. It was summer time so they were coming a lot. And also because we just really wanted to be alone. We spend everyday on the beach if it wasn't too hot for me. If it was we would just stay in and watch tv or play games together. I couldn't be more happier than I was with him there.

"You do cheesy sometimes...That I think my eyes are watering" I said when I saw him putting seashells in heart shape on my belly.

"Shut up.... it is cute" He said and made my pose to pictures.

"You're cute....youre such a dad already" I laughed looking at him.

"No I am not...youre just really beautiful" He laughed while laying down next to me on his stomach and on his the towel.

"Thank you Chris.... for that and for taking me here..." I said.

"Anytime mama" He kissed my nose and I scrunch it.

"Calling me mama is crazy" I laughed at him and he only wiggled his eyebrows at me.

And all the tiktoks about how you always thought your partner was hot but after seeing him carrying your baby home it is just something else? Well....seeing Chris with our son in his carseat on our way from the hospital to the car. I was ready to have another one right there.

He was so natural already. He was there for whole process panicking, but he was there. We both cried as hell when they put our baby on my chest. He cut the cord and he couldn't stop staring at our little man.

Our son was healthy and really loud. Thats how we knew Chris was the father. I am joking but for real little guy was a copy of Chris. He looked exactly like the triplets when they ere born.

We decided to name him Cali. We both were struggling with name and when we were watching tv one day someone used it as a name and we just looked at each other and we knew that this is going to be the name. I wanted it to start with C like Chris's name which he was happy about and said that if we have a daughter one day he wants her name to start with my initials.

As we brought Cali home he was a different baby. He was calm and we slept and ate well. I couldn't stop taking pictures of him and Chris. He was such a boy dad. All the stories he was telling him and they both napped together. He was doing everything equally with me. The changing, the feeding, bath time. Everything. I was very proud of how we handled it all.

Noa was Cali's biggest fan. She was almost one. She was walking already and every time they were over here she couldn't stop just sitting next to Cali. She was giving him her binky and just hugging him. We even took a picture where it looks like she is holding him by herself.

"Now tell me... isn't this the hotter thing ever?" Tilly asked me when we were watching Chris and Matt from the kitchen.

"Tilly...it fucking is I swear to god I am ready to have 5 more" I said and sat on the kitchen island next to her. We were having some wine and Chips.

Matt and Chris were playing on xbox while Cali was asleep on Chris's chest and Noa was asleep on Matt's. Nick wasn't here because he had some kind of event going on.

"Just bunch of dads" she laughed and took a sip from her glass.

"Dilfs if you ask me" I added and put my empty glass down.

"Alright... you know that we can hear you, right? I am going to confiscate the wine... I swear" Matt looked at us.

"Oh shut up you love it...."Tilly said and he just shook his head.

"Also 5 more is crazy baby...But I am fluttered" Chris looked at me. and winked.

I laughed and me and Tilly cleaned up a little and went to seat next to them.

I couldn't believe that we had two babies in the family and one of them was mine. I was a mother and it honestly was the best thing that happened to me. My missing piece.

My little family was all I needed right now.

[eisforeidolon]

So Misha originally told a story about flushing Jared's phone when he left the door unlocked to the airplane toilet and Jared took a picture of him in there when they were on a plane to the IOU podcast: [X]

Apparently at DC this weekend, the story changed to where his safety was endangered by a daredevil pilot while he was in the plane toilet at Jared's request and that was why he flushed the phone: [X]

Sure we could talk about how nonsensical the second version is, but I have a different point. This kind of shit is why I don't believe Misha just "has a bad memory", which is an excuse I've seen for why he's so inconsistent. His stories don't just change, they almost always pointedly escalate - either to make himself sound like more of a victim or to queerbait harder. If it was actually a memory issue, his stories wouldn't so routinely mutate to better match what his fans want to hear over time. Although the queerbaiting doesn't always escalate - it often differs most depending on who is at the convention or onstage with him. Which also does not remotely imply a memory issue so much as a being-a-cowardly-backstabbing-weasel issue.

A recap of some other highlights for emphasis:

I knew I was coming back in season 7 - no I didn't, I was out of work and sooooo stressed not knowing if I was coming back!

I was totally gonna be in the finale Roadhouse scene, but as Jimmy - no, Castiel was totally gonna be there and talk to Dean!

We horsed around on set and it was hilarious - actually Jared borderline sexually assaulted me and it was like a wildlife documentary seeing animals get eaten :( :( :(!

The CW has great representation and had no input on the ending of Supernatural in regards to D/C - if the network wasn't homophobic, they'd have been fucking lol!

[fennecfiree]

South park sleeping headcanons cuz I'm bored AF

Stan - he sleeps on his side, he rolls over a bit in his sleep and shit, doesn't really snore

Cartman - the most annoying little shit. He definitely hogs the blanket and takes up as much space as possible during sleepovers, and he probably sleeps on his back, snores a lot. Also sleeps with all his stuffed animals surrounding him

Kyle - sleeps on his back, snores a little bit, he moves around a lot in his sleep, like he'll be on his back with the blanket all on his body in the night, then in the morning he's on his side with the blanket fully off of him (based off of me LMAO)

Kenny - this fucking shit sleeps on his stomach, with his head in the pillow, he dies in his sleep a lot

Butters - sleeps on his side, he always has to hug something, a pillow, a stuffed animal, or a fucking human. Lmao. He also drools a bit

Tweek - can't even sleep

Craig - sleeps on his side, he talks in his sleep sometimes. Oh he also is a fucking weirdo and sleeps with no blanket

Clyde - similar to Kyle, Sleeps on his back, snores, moves around a lot

Jimmy - sleeps on his back, probably hugs something, usually a stuffed animal, I imagine it being something reallllyy stupid like a fucking skibidi toilet plushie

Tolkien - sleeps on his side, the most normal out these guys. He's just very peaceful

[drathym]

OH MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE ATOP IF U WANT SKIBIDI TOILET OF ANYONE ELSE GIVE ME MONEY I AM NOT DRAWING JIMMY URINE SKIBIDI TOILET

[magicalrocketships]

you reblogging that baby max art made me think of deaging au... do you have any more of it please?

Have a tiny bit of small Max being smaller! More of this verse found here. Jumps somewhere a bit different in the verse, just an excuse for a hug tbh.

Max has been seven years old for two months. 

Daniel's got used to it. They have a routine, because Max likes routine, and it turns out Daniel's also feeling happier now that he has a reason to eat three meals a day and go to bed at a reasonable time and wake up to Max peering at him from the end of the bed, flag book in hand. He's got used to the Jimmy or Sassy cats following him around and watching him go to the toilet or get dressed, because of course Max's cats are the perviest cats. 

He's got used to a lot of things. He's got used to putting Max first. 

He's definitely got used to the Guardianship papers that legally bind him to Max until Max is an adult again. 

But he hasn't got used to waking up to the sound of Max crying. It's rarer now than when Max first came to stay, but it's a sometimes rather than a never. And tonight it's worse, because the noise that wakes him up is a scared, high pitched cry that Daniel knows instinctively is Max even if it doesn't sound like his normal tears. Because when Daniel walks into Max's bedroom— because he has a bedroom now, with pictures on the wall and his toys and a labelled drawer that Daniel isn't allowed to go in where Max keeps his special things — it's not a seven year old Max that's crying up at him. 

This Max is smaller, is small-small, is a fucking toddler. He's all twisted up in his Pikachu sheets, the doona half off the bed, and his too-big pyjamas are hanging off him. He's little. He's got younger. 

Daniel, terrifyingly, doesn't know if Max will know him, or if he'll be a grown up stranger in the middle of the night. 

"Maxy-Max," he says softly. "Are you okay?" 

This tiny, toddler version of Max has flushed red cheeks and tears everywhere and snot. He sees Daniel and immediately holds his hands out, and Daniel, overcome with relief, sinks down on the bed and lets Max scramble into his lap and into his arms. Daniel hugs him. 

"Danny, Danny, Danny," Max says, hiccoughing through his tears. Daniel is normally Daniel to Max. Danny is for goodnight hugs and middle of the night tears. Max clings to him. 

Daniel reaches for Max's favourite Pikachu toy, a little well-loved in places, caught under the pillow and half off the bed. "Were you missing Pikachu, Max?" 

Max tucks Pikachu into the tiny little gap between him and Daniel's chest. He rubs his face on Daniel's t-shirt. He snuggles closer, hugging Pikachu. He stuffs his thumb in his mouth, looking up at Daniel like he knows Daniel's going to make him stop sucking it. Daniel isn't. Max has already been through his childhood once. Daniel's not going to stop him doing a single thing that brings him comfort this time around. What the fuck does it matter, anyway? Nothing about this is normal. Going Small normally lasts a couple of days at most and has most kids aging upwards. Max has been seven for two months and now he's smaller. The universe doesn't tend to de-age beyond about seven, unless the kid is going to be a hundred percent safe at the other end of it. At least that's one good thing about this: the universe knows Max is safe with him. This little Max toddler, sleepy and tear-stained, who knows and loves Daniel and is holding on to him tight. 

Daniel kisses the top of Max's head, and snuggles him closer. He's probably two-ish. It doesn't matter, though. His crying's lessened. He's tucked into Daniel's chest. He's already going back to sleep, cheek pressed to Daniel's shirt. 

"Love you, Maxy-Max," Daniel tells him. His hand strokes Max's back. 

Max falls asleep between one breath and the next, clinging to both Daniel and Pikachu. In the morning, if they wake up and Max is still tiny, Daniel will pay extra for a one hour delivery window for a Go Small Toddler kit.  

Daniel's clearly going nowhere tonight.

In his arms, baby Max snores. 

[watarfallar]

Imagine if Jimmy wins the life series... Huh, what a thought. Anyway have some more incorrect quotes!

Pearl: Cleo, you're my best friend. Cleo: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend. Cleo: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!

Impulse: Your smile? It makes my day. Tango: Your happiness? I live for that. Joel: A room? Get one. BigB: Hotel? Trivago.

BigB: What's the most efficient way to burn calories? Martyn: Exercise more! Joel: Set yourself on fire. Tango: There are two kinds of people.

Impulse, to Jimmy: ...And I need you and Tango to help, and by "help" I mean "do everything."

Joel: Yes, I'm adopting Grian and you cowards can't tell me no!

Scott: Martyn said its my turn with the brain cell. Cleo: Square up.

Joel: You know what your problem is? Scar: I only have one?

Mumbo: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time. Gem: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

Jimmy: I have a bad feeling about this, guys. Skizz: Oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Joel: Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen? Jimmy, being bailed out of jail the next morning: I hate you all.

Pearl: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP- Tango: ...Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE?? Pearl: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES!

Lizzie: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything? Lizzie: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies. Joel: Socks are Feetie Heaties. Scott: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties. Impulse: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies. Pearl: Stamps are Lickie Stickies. Gem: I hate you guys so much.

*The Squad is at Home Depot* Impulse: *Fell in the cacti display while wandering around the garden section* Grian: *Shitting in the display toilets* Lizzie: *Tokyo Drifting one of those flatbed carts down the aisles* BigB: *Stealing paint chips for aesthetic purposes* Mumbo: *Just wanted some goddamn lightbulbs and everyone ruined it* Pearl: *In the car sleeping*

Ren: Would you take a bullet for me? Lizzie: ...yes? *Jimmy angrily burst into the room* Ren: *running away* Great, thanks!

Martyn: I love cooking breakfast. It makes the whole house smell like bacon. Jimmy: That’s true, but it also smells like fire and panic. Martyn: You and the smoke detector need to get off my case.

Ren: You three, explain right now! Bdubs: It was Etho. BigB: It was Etho. Scott: It was Etho. Etho: Etho: …fuck.

Skizz: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! Ren: Ok, Skizz, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? Skizz: 1917. Ren: ...You're ready.

Skizz: Just be yourself. Say something nice. Bdubs: Which one? I can't do both.

Pearl: I need to dye my hair. Bdubs: ... Pearl: Or get another tattoo. Bdubs: ... Pearl: Or a new piercing. Bdubs: Why? Pearl: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

Gem: I’ve been described as a ‘heartless villain’ and a 'little shit’, but I prefer… 'has alternative ways of having fun’.

Joel: You don’t deserve me. Jimmy: At your worst or your best? Joel: I don’t have a worst. Jimmy: Because you’re already at your worst?

Martyn: BigB! This soup is flaccid! BigB: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!

Gem: Tell me, what you are mad at? Cleo: I paid twenty dollars for bottomless drinks. Impulse, in the background: They got to the bottom. Cleo: What is that? The bottom of the damn glass!

Grian: I wonder who’s ruining my life. Grian: *looks in the mirror* Grian: So we meet again.

[octopiys]

Omg imagine:

Price: Soap, tie your shoes please you'll fall

Soap: No! I'm a big boy I can do what I want. *proceeds to fall stright on his face on his first step*

It's not as funny as it was in my head but still🤭

~🐸

RAHHHH NEW ANON🐸‼️‼️‼️

Some more incorrect quotes (I'm bored at work)

-

Ghost: I feel like I can be myself around you.

Soap: You’re weird and quiet around me.

Ghost: Yes.

-

Gaz: Isn’t it a bit dangerous?

Soap: Gaz, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.

Gaz: ...

Soap: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.

Gaz: ...

Soap: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves on the way home.

Alejandro: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.

Graves, coming into a meeting looking disheveled and 10 minutes late: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

-

Price: If I run and leap at Nikolai, he will most certainly catch me in his arms.

Price, running towards Nikolai: Coming in!

Nikolai: No! I’m holding coffee!

Nikolai: *Drops coffee and catches Price*

-

Price: Soap, please tie your shoes, you're gonna fall.

Soap: Price, I'm a big boy.

Soap: I can do whatever I want.

Soap: you're not my dad.

Price, unfazed: you done?

Soap: yeah.

Soap, turning away: *trips and falls*

-

Horangi, doing crossword: I need a long word for-

König: t-rex.

Horangi: ....what-

König: t-rex

König: but the long one.

-

Rodolfo: I ran into Alejandro in the kitchen at 1 AM last night and when I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged, said “these are my roaming hours,” and wandered off

-

Roach: Last week, König tried to flush a live lobster down the toilet "because it worked for Nemo".

Gaz:

Gaz: oh my god.

-

Gaz: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name?

Ghost: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though... I don't know.

Gaz: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Duncans' Doughnuts.

Gaz: or Jimmy/John's.

Soap: hey

Price: hey

-

Ghost: If you kill me, my teeth only have a 2% drop rate.

Graves:

Graves: What?

Ghost: Good luck.

-

Ghost: You’re an idiot.

Soap, grinning: That’s the charm.

-

Soap: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?

Ghost: ...Have you never taken a shower before?

(Later)

Ghost: fuckin' hell, wait a minute-

-

Uh because I've seen it a lot recently here is your reminder that Gaz erasure is NOT welcome on this blog. I love him sm. Gaz appreciation :D

[sjsmith56]

The Rules

Summary: One shot AU. A mobster’s daughter meets the love of her life but The Rules get in the way of it developing into something more.

Length: 6.5 K

Characters: James “Bucky” Barnes (at age 21, then 25), OFC (named), OFC’s parents (named), Brock Rumlow, John Walker, Loki Laufeyson.

Warnings: some cursing, rude behaviour and reference to mob life. Otherwise fluffy.

Author notes: This is my first attempt at writing a mob-themed story. Bucky is actually a sweetheart.

〰️ 〰️ 〰️

The first time Tia fell in love was when she was almost 18.  His name was James, 21, and he was one of newest men on her father's staff.  The first time Tia fell out of love was two weeks later when she saw James kissing a woman staff member and allowing himself to be pulled into her room at the mansion where they all lived.  This is their story.

Almost Eighteen

There were rules growing up in the house of a mob boss, particularly the man known as the Boss of Brooklyn, Jerome Brancato.  Rule #1, If the door to his office was open, anyone could come in.  If the door was closed, everyone had to stay out.  Rule #2, Daughters of the boss were off-limits.  Period.  No exceptions, unless the boss approved of the relationship which sometimes happened if he was approached correctly and with respect.  Rule #3, No meant no.  Other rules came up but the big three were supposed to be obeyed by everyone, staff and family.

Tia, seeing the door to her father's office was open approached it, hearing him speaking with another man.  The man, who said a lot of "Yes sirs" and "No sirs" seemed to be interviewing for a position with her father's "business," a business he took over from his father, and his father before him.  But Tia's father, Jerome, had no sons to leave the business to and daughters weren't supposed to be in that position, at least not in his narrow world view.

She pushed the door open, catching the attention of her father and the man, who rose to his feet and turned towards her.  He was tall, with short dark hair, and handsome, with eyes as blue as the sky.  Tearing her eyes away from him she looked at her father.

"I'm sorry, but your door was open," she said.  "I can come back."

"It was open," agreed her father.  "Tia, this is James Barnes.  He's here to join the security team.  Barnes, this is my youngest daughter, Tia.  She just graduated from high school."

He offered his hand, his white dress shirt peaking out from under his dark suit's sleeve.

"Pleasure," he said, in a voice that made a warmth pool deep inside her, his even white teeth showing in the smile he gave her.

Her voice squeaked a little when she answered.  "Thank you." 

Inside she groaned.  What kind of response was that?  James grinned a little.

"You're welcome."

"Why don't you give us half an hour to finish up," suggested her father.  "I still have to make James aware of the rules."

She smiled at her father but inside she felt her stomach drop.  The rules.  The fucking rules.  Rule #2, she was off-limits.  Apologetically, she returned to the door, risking one more look at the man she had just fallen in love with, then closed it and ran upstairs to her room to fall face first into her bed and cry over the rules.

It was a week before she saw James again.  James, Jimmy, Jamie, Jim ... all the variations of his name were written out on paper by her, as she signed her name with his.  Mr. and Mrs. James Barnes.  Jim and Tia Barnes.  Then she tore the pages up into tiny pieces and flushed them down the toilet because if there was one thing her already married older sisters warned her about was to not leave any trace of having a crush on any of their father's "staff," for that could cause all sorts of problems, not just for her but also for him.  In their father's line of work, that could result in serious issues for the male staff member but could also see her summarily married off to some business associate, which she didn't want.  Not at 17 years, 10 months and 2 weeks of age.  Besides, she was going off to college in a few months and the last thing she needed was a chaperone to make sure that Portia Isabel Brancato, nicknamed Tia, behaved herself.  So, she kept her face and attitude as neutral as possible, and tried to make it seem like she wasn't looking for James on the estate.  Which ended up being easy when she found out quickly that he was sent out to one of the satellite "offices," a warehouse at the docks to learn that aspect of the work. 

Resigned to not seeing him again for the foreseeable future, Tia came downstairs the one day to be driven to the salon for her usual mani / pedi appointment, only to see James waiting at the bottom of the stairs.  As she came down, he looked up and his smile lit her up inside once more.

"Good morning," he said, cheerily.  "I've been instructed to drive you to the Bronze Goddess salon.  Are you all ready?"

"I am, thank you," she replied politely, reaching the bottom step and looking up at him.  God, how could anyone be so good looking?  "Could we stop at a Starbucks for something?"

"I'm yours to command," he replied, then opened the front door for her, while somehow reaching the armoured Audi sedan first.

After making sure her seatbelt was in place, James closed the door and got behind the steering wheel.  Tia could see the coiled wire of the earpiece reaching down into his suit collar.  He checked in with his supervisor, likely Clint, then smoothly pulled out from the driveway towards the gate to the estate.

"I haven't seen you for a while," said Tia, tentatively.

"No, I've been elsewhere," he replied, pausing at the road and looking both ways before turning left, following the map on his dash display.

Five minutes later he pulled into the line at Starbucks, then looked at Tia in the rearview mirror.

"A white chocolate mocha Frappuccino, please," said Tia, handing him a Starbucks card.  "Get something for yourself while you're waiting for me."

"Thank you, I will," he said. 

He ordered a Caffé Americano, then offered them the card when they handed him the cups.  Turning around he smiled as he gave her the Frappuccino, then the card.  Ten minutes later he pulled up at the salon, then got out to open her door.

"I'm going to park then I'll be inside," he said.  "Your father was very specific that someone be in view of you at all times."

"Is there trouble?" she asked, as it wasn't a usual thing for a salon visit.

"Nothing I can't handle," he said, giving her that lop-sided smile again.  "You let me do the worrying."

He came inside, carrying his coffee, walking in like he belonged, and settled himself on an empty chair near the pedicure station, but in a position where he could see the front door.  He picked up one of the gossip magazines and flipped slowly through it.  Every person who walked into the salon underwent his scrutiny.  Everyone who came close to Tia, received even more attention.  When she was finished, he waited behind her while she paid, then took her gently by the elbow, leading her to where the car was parked, seemingly staying acutely aware of their environment.  On the drive back home, he looked at her several times in the rearview mirror.

"You planning to go to college?" he asked.

"Yeah, I've been accepted to Stanford, UCLA and Arizona State.  I wanted to apply to something in the east, but Dad thought it was safer for me to be further away."

She didn't add the qualifier "from his business interests."  There was kind of an unwritten rule that daughters were off-limits to action from his competitors but being on the other side of the country made that easier to follow.

"Did you go to college?"

He shook his head.  "I joined the army right out of high school.  Did one tour and realized I wasn't cut out for it.  My dad knew your dad from some construction work he did for him and put in a word for me."

The gate opened and James drove up the circular driveway to the front of the house.  Then he opened the door and offered Tia his hand to get out of the back.  At that moment, her father came out and called to her.  She smiled at James, then hurried to her father.  That was the last she saw of him until the next week when she went out to the opera with her father and mother.  Clint and Thor drove them.  After they entered the house, Tia started up the stairs to the bedrooms.  Hearing a sound, she looked up towards the third floor, where the staff bedrooms were and saw James kissing Sharon, her mother's social secretary.  Then Sharon pulled him into her bedroom, and the door closed behind them, the sound of the latch coinciding with the feeling of Tia's heart breaking.  Her mother, Liliana, who had also seen it, patted her daughter on the back.

"He asked for permission to take you out but your father said no, that you were too young," she offered.  "He told James to keep his attention elsewhere.  I'm sorry."

Rule #2 and 3, a double whammy.  With a sigh, Tia went to her bedroom and cried for an hour.  It would be four years before she saw James again.

〰️ 〰️ 〰️

Almost Twenty-Two

Rule #4, If your father arranged your marriage the correct response was "Yes sir, thank you sir, for finding me a good husband," even if the last part wasn't always true.

There were several gatherings at the Brancato estate that May, after Tia graduated from college.  Several different families who were in the same type of business as her father were invited to attend.  More specifically, if the families had an unmarried son, anywhere between the ages of 21 and 40, they were invited.  Gradually, over the month, the list of prospects was whittled down, until her parents hosted a dinner with the final four.  

Tia was officially on the market, being dangled like a carrot in order to accomplish any one of the following objectives:  settle a feud with a rival family, cement a business relationship between two families, provide a son-in-law able to take over the business from her father (because a woman couldn't do the job), satisfy a desire for grandchildren, specifically grandsons, just because that's what was expected of the daughters of a mob boss without a male heir, or a combination of several or all of the above.  What Tia wanted in a husband was supposedly considered but its importance was so far down that she knew the decision was likely already made before the dinner even started.

Did it rankle Tia?  Yes, but she had grown up as the privileged child of a wealthy and influential man.  Now was the time where she had to satisfy the needs of his business empire, more than the needs of her heart.  There was always a possibility that whoever won the "lottery" and satisfied her father's demands prior to approving the engagement would be a decent guy, one that she could grow to respect, if not love with all of her heart.  Her two sisters had done alright.  There was no reason to expect that she would end up with a creep, or someone who took the concept of marriage at its most basic, regarding her as property.  Then she met the final prospects.

Prospect #1 (not arranged in order of preference) – Brock Rumlow, an almost 40 something, twice-divorced, son of a boorish man who ran the docks.  Swarthy in appearance, with atrocious manners, and an almost permanent sneer.  No thank you.  Prospect #2 – John Walker, corrupt lawyer.  Certainly, he was handsome enough, if you liked that blonde, all-American quarterback look.  Smug, arrogant, and totally unaware that he rubbed people the wrong way.  Nope.  Prospect #3 – Loki Laufeyson.  Charming on the surface and although attractive in a European kind of way, Tia wasn't sure that he wasn't bisexual which could mean he wouldn't be demanding on her.  Certainly, he seemed to watch attractive men as much as he watched attractive women.  A supposed financial wizard, she got the feeling that her father would have to settle a significant amount on him to generate an engagement offer.  Prospect #4 – She blinked her eyes twice when she saw James enter with his father, George.  He was a prospective husband?  Yes, he had been at the other gatherings, but she assumed he was there as security.  He was staff and there hadn't been a marriage between a daughter and a staff member since... well, years.  Plus, he had broken her heart when she was 17 by going to bed with Sharon, the social secretary.  She left the job while Tia was in college, her replacement, an older woman who wore sensible shoes.

Dinner was called and Tia's father offered her his arm, escorting her to the table, where she sat to his left, while her mother sat to his right.  The prospects fathers were placed next, two on each side of the table, then their sons furthest away so that Jerome Brancato could observe them from a distance and see how they responded being grouped together.  At the foot of the table was her grandmother, the family matriarch, Maria Brancato.  She would be assessing the prospects up close, engaging them directly.

Right away the fathers, except for George Barnes, talked over each other about their sons, extolling their strengths, although only one of them said anything about how their progeny would be good for Tia.  That was George, when he did speak, who brought up the fact that James had several sisters and had always looked upon himself as their unofficial bodyguard, even though he was younger than them.

"No one even stepped up to the door to take one of my daughters out unless Bucky (he had a nickname?) approved of them first," said George.  "He kept the boys in line and made sure they were respectful of the girls and their mother; God rest her soul."

Tia's mother smiled.  "Winnie was a good woman.  She would be proud of the man James became."

Jerome gave Liliana a look, that saw her smile at her daughter, then keep eating. 

"Well, Brock would have done the same," said his father.  "Anyone who stepped out of line would see the business end of his fist.  He doesn't put up with any opposition from anyone."

That raised her father's eyebrows a little as he rarely used physical force against any of his men, and often welcomed an opposing view if it was presented properly, with respect.  Brock's father just kept rambling on about how no one intimidated his son.  Then John Walker, Sr. cleared his throat and told a story of how his son completed a complex business deal by finding dirt on one of the principals.  After setting up a honey pot situation, he managed to present the man with compromising pictures in order to sway him to their terms. 

"Made his client an extra $10 million."  He chewed with his mouth open.  "That alone was enough for his boss to offer him a partnership in the law firm.  Jumped right over several others who had been there longer.  Johnny will do what is needed to increase profits and productivity."

Her father said nothing, but Tia could tell he didn't like hearing the other man brag about it.  Yes, there were times when he employed similar tactics in dealing with certain people, but he kept his involvement in it to a minimum, as it was tempting fate to have the acts traceable back to him.  That was just asking for trouble and a careful leader kept things looking legal. 

At that moment, Tia noticed her mother looking down at the other end of the table, where her grandmother was.  There was a look between the two women that seemed to be sending an invisible message between them.  She just wished she knew what that look meant.

"Well, Loki has certainly done his share of cooking the books to improve profits and productivity," said Mr. Odinson, his stepfather.  "The magic he can perform on the balance sheet would make your head swim.  Every investigation against him has turned up nothing that can be pinned on him.  Takes a genius to do that."

"Hmmm," was all her father said to that.

"One of these days his luck will run out," she thought, wondering if her father was thinking the same thing.

The rest of the meal progressed in a similar manner until dessert was served.  Then Jerome finished his cake and coffee before he stood up, prompting the fathers then their sons to do the same.

"Gentlemen, let's go for brandy and cigars out by the pool, while my mother, wife and daughter confer," he stated. 

All of them pulled away, then James offered his hand to Tia's grandmother.

"I have enjoyed our talk this evening, Mrs. Brancato," he said, warmly.  "You've given me much to think about."

She smiled at him, then looked at her daughter, knowingly.  George Barnes saw the look then faced Liliana, offering his hand to her.

"My compliments to your cook.  That was a very enjoyable meal."

The three of them were left alone as the men filed out, and the two older women both looked at Tia.

"If it was us choosing, it would be James," said her mother, "but your father has other considerations, and his word is binding.  You will be able to go on a date with each of them in turn then provide your opinion to your father but I'm guessing he already made his mind up."

An hour later the evening was over, and they said good night to everyone.  James left with his father, being assigned to work in the warehouses that week.  He was staying at his parent's house during that time. 

〰️ 〰️ 〰️

The Dates

Rule #5, No sex on the first date.  Once an engagement was announced the couple could go at it but until that moment, any prospective husband of the boss's daughter who presumed to touch her in an intimate manner would deserve what happened to him later.

Two days later Loki Laufeyson arrived to take Tia to dinner.  He pulled up driving a Maserati, wearing an expensive silk suit.  He was polite, solicitous, and the perfect gentleman.  The restaurant was perfect also, a two-star Michelin restaurant, whose portions were so precious that Tia almost asked if they could stop at a drive thru for some burgers.  During the meal an older blond man stopped by the table to say hello, looking at Tia nervously.

"Mobius, this is Tia," said Loki.  "She's ... um ... my date."

"Oh."  The other man smiled slightly.  "Pleasure to meet you."  He looked back at Loki.  "I missed you at the club on Friday night."

"Yes, there was a dinner party at Tia's parent's house.  I was obligated to be there."

Both men looked very uncomfortable, so Tia did something kind to both of them and excused herself to go to the ladies' room.  Loki stood up as she left.  When she looked back, she could see both men speaking in whispers to each other and sighed.  Definitely bisexual with a preference for men.  Scratch Loki, which was too bad because he seemed quite nice.  In fact, later, after she returned to the table, he announced that he would be withdrawing his courtship of her but wished her the best.  They parted with a handshake.

Date #2 happened two days later when John Walker picked her up, driving a Mercedes SUV.  His suit, also silk, didn't look as good on him as Loki's did.  She attributed it to the fact that Walker was not used to working in a jacket.  It always seemed to ride up and crowd his neck.  They went to a restaurant, a steak house type, where he ordered a larger cut for him with all the trimmings and for her, a small cut, with a salad and minimal dressing.

"I'm sure you're always watching your weight," he said, eyeing her body.  "You seem to keep quite trim, and I wouldn't want you to think I don't support that."

As she guessed, he played football in college, at the quarterback position, and proceeded to regale her with his exploits on the field.  He didn't ask one question about her.  When he kissed her goodnight, he attempted to give her tongue, but she successfully pulled away, waggling her finger at him, as if he should know better.  Since a servant was already on the step, he took it with a smile, but she saw a darkness in his eyes that bothered her.

Date #3 was with James.  He picked her up in a 1994 Mustang GT, wearing a sports coat over an open necked blue shirt and jeans.  Somehow, he had told her mother his plans, so Tia also wore jeans and brought a sweater.  They talked as he drove to Coney Island. 

"This is your car?" she asked.

"Yup, restored her myself," he said.  "Found her up on some blocks in an abandoned lot.  No tires, stripped of parts but the body was good, and it kept me out of trouble when I was in high school and after the army.  It was time spent with my dad.  I've been offered good money for her, but I like driving her.  Sorry, to talk about her as if she's real but I know every inch of her."

"I like her, too," smiled Tia.  "Does she have a name?"

"Yes, but I can't tell you."  He blushed.  "It would kind of be inappropriate for our first date."

They drove a bit further then Tia looked at him again.

"Can I ask you something personal?"

"Go ahead, I have no secrets," he answered.

"My mother told me when I was 17 that you asked for permission to take me out, but my father said no."  She looked out her window.  "I saw you a week later kissing Sharon, then going into her bedroom."

He nodded his head, his mouth set in a grim line.  "Yeah.  Your father told me that you were too young and to set my sights lower.  She flirted with me, and we did kiss.  I didn't stay.  She wanted more from me that night than I was prepared to give.  I'm no saint and I have been with several women since then, but nothing serious."  He took a deep breath.  "I always liked you more.  It's why I asked to be considered as a suitor.  This time, your father agreed to let me have a chance."

"Oh." Tia swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to calm the pounding of her heart.  "What are your chances?"

He smiled a little sadly.  "Not as good as the other three," he admitted.  "My father is a construction foreman who did some work for your father, and they got along well, considering each other a friend.  But he's not well off like the other fathers, nor is he in any position of influence.  My only assets are my loyalty to your father, I'm a hard worker and like to think I do the job without letting my emotions get the better of me.  Most of all, I pledged to be faithful to you always and to treat you with kindness and respect.  I have sisters and expected the same from the men they all married."

Tia watched the beams of the streetlights come through the windows alternating between illuminating his face and leaving it in darkness.  His strong facial features had matured in the few years since she went away to college, as had his physique.  There was also a depth to him that the others didn't have.  The fact that he didn't talk much about himself impressed her.  This was a man looking for a serious relationship, not a business deal sealed with the acquisition of a wife. 

The date was fun as they went on the rides, ate hot dogs and drank beer.  He won her a large stuffed giraffe at the shooting gallery, christening it together as Walter.  When they walked back to where the car was parked and deposited Walter in the back seat, James looked at her in the dimly lit area.  Gently, he took one of her hands in his, then raised it to his lips, kissing the knuckles then turning it to kiss her wrist.

"I expect someone to be watching when I drop you off so if you don't mind a kiss here."

He didn't finish what he was saying as Tia raised herself up to kiss him, wrapping her arms around his neck.  He enclosed her in his arms, and she felt the firmness of his body pressed against hers.  His soft lips were perfect, applying just the right amount of pressure against hers, then she opened hers to allow their tongues to mingle.  It was every bit as good as she imagined when she was 17, going on 18.  When they finally pulled apart, he looked at her in a way that no man had ever looked at her before. 

"You don't know how long I've wanted to kiss you," he murmured, his eyes taking in every part of her face.  "You don't remember the first time we saw each other, do you?"

"I thought it was in my dad's office."

He shook his head, smiling.  "My dad built your pool house.  I was 16 and worked as a helper on the site.  You were still a girl, just turned 13 but I thought that you would be beautiful when you grew up a little.  I knew then that I didn't really want to look at anyone else.  Sounds a little creepy but I was willing to wait until we were both ready."

"It's not creepy," said Tia.  "We were both kids.  I'm glad you waited."  She looked down for a moment.  "Are you sure this is the life you want?  I know what my father is and the things that you've likely already done for him."

"I went into a combat zone when I was 18 so I have killed before," he said.  "So far, your dad has kept me out of that part of it.  I think he's looking to scale back that side of his business, be more legitimate.  If it means that you and I can be together, it will be worth it."

"Okay.  One more question.  Your nickname is Bucky?"

He laughed, giving her that lop-sided smile.  "Yeah, it's from my middle name, Buchanan.  That was my mother's surname."  He shrugged.  "James sounds more grownup and mature.  You can call me anything you want."

"Just the best date I've ever had," she smiled back.

They kissed again, then James opened the passenger door for her and drove her back to the estate.  Before they got out, he gave her his cell phone number, entered it as Jane so her father wouldn't know it was his, then told her to call him anytime if she needed help.  In front of the mansion, he was aware they were being watched so he gave Tia a respectful hug, handed Walter to her, then waited as she entered the house, before getting back into his car and driving to his father's house.  Although he hoped it would be enough for her father to choose him, he knew his chances weren't good.

The final date, with Brock Rumlow, was everything that Tia feared.  He showed up in a heavily customized truck that Tia needed a ladder to enter.  Although dressed in a suit he didn't wear a tie until forced to at the restaurant he took her to, after verbally haranguing the maître d’ for the indignity of his money not being good enough for the place.  His table manners were as atrocious as his regular manners, talking while chewing, burping at the table, and referring to his bathroom habits in crude terms.  Excusing herself to the ladies' room, Tia texted James.

Tia: Help! I'm stuck with a Cro-Magnon man who's unbearable.

Jane: Brock?  Yeah, he's a bit full of himself, isn't he?  Do you need rescuing?

Tia: Possibly.  I'll keep you posted.

She returned to the table where Brock was sprawled in his chair.  Tia's plate was gone as was his. 

"Good, you're back," he said.  "I've paid the bill.  Let's go to a club."

"I wasn't finished."  He looked up at her surprised.

"Oh, I assumed you went to the bathroom to uh ... you know, bring it all up.  That's what you chicks do to keep slim, right?  My exes did that all the time."

She would have answered but he stood up and headed for the door, turning around to wait impatiently for her.  With a sigh, she joined him, waiting as he tossed the valet his token.  The truck appeared and he didn't help her in, although the valet did, giving her a sympathetic eye roll.  The club, with a pounding bass that bled out onto the street was full of friends of his, whose method of communication seemed to be either a jut of their chin or a pound hug.  He requested bottle service in the VIP area, then flopped down on the couch, pulling her down with him, and draping his arm over her shoulder.  Sitting there like the king of his own kingdom, Tia had a vision of her life with Brock Rumlow and decided to end the date there.  Of course, he didn't want to and kept trying to keep her sitting on the couch with him.  Finally, she convinced him that she needed to throw up and he let her go.  Exiting out of an emergency door she went to the nearest coffee shop that was open and called James, who told her to stay there and wait for him.  He arrived twenty minutes later, entering the coffee shop with a worried look on his face.  As they hugged, he stroked her hair and vowed that no matter what, Brock Rumlow wouldn't do this to Tia ever again.

At the mansion, when he pulled up, Brock was there, waiting angrily for Tia, as was her father and mother.  He went to open the door for Tia, then growled when he found it locked.  James came out of the driver's side door and placed himself in front of Brock, staring at him in a way that showed he had absolutely no fear of him.

"Move," said the jilted date.

"No, move yourself," replied James.  "She called me to get her out of a bad date and I obliged.  Now, I'm going to finish the job and make sure she gets inside the house safely."

"Are you saying I abused her?"

"I'm saying you wouldn't let her leave until she thought she was going to be sick.  She told me you acted like a pig the entire time."

"She's lying.  The little bitch is lying."

Jerome pulled Brock away at that moment.  "What did you call my daughter?"

Liliana slapped Brock in the face.  "How dare you.  Jerome, if you even consider him suitable for Tia, I'll leave you.  I swear, I will divorce your ass and take everything you own.  It's all in my name anyway."

"No one's divorcing anyone," said Jerome, then he looked at Brock.  "You have 10 seconds to get your ass in your monstrosity of a truck and get the hell off our property.  You tell your father that if he even tries to retaliate it will be war between us.  Now get."

Rule #6, Even a mob boss with only daughters does not take kindly to his daughters being referred to as bitches.  Especially by a twice-divorced asshole like Brock Rumlow.

〰️〰️〰️

The Wedding, six months later

Rule #7, When marrying into the mob, let her family have their way.  It's easier and lulls them into thinking you'll be a pushover. 

This was it.  Her father made the decision and now Tia had to live with it.  She looked at herself in the mirror as her mother fastened the veil to her head.  A knock on the door was opened by her oldest sister, acting as matron of honour.  Her father walked in; his bow tie undone.

"Lil, can you fix this?" he asked.  Then he stopped, seeing Tia's reflection in the mirror.  "All my girls looked so beautiful on their wedding day."

"Men always have trouble with a bow tie," she smiled, turning towards him.  "Come to the window so I have better light."

While her mother did her father's tie, Tia's phone, deep inside the pocket of her wedding dress (that she insisted on having) vibrated and she went to the bathroom to answer it, telling everyone she needed some water.

Jane:  You sure you're going to do this?

Tia:  Yes, it's what my dad wants.  I'm a good mob daughter, you know.

Jane:  Yeah, now you'll be a good mob wife.

Tia:  If you mean pregnant on the wedding night, chances are good.

Jane:  LOL.  I hope you'll be happy.

Tia:  Thanks to you, I know I will be.  You'll be there, right?

Jane:  Wouldn't miss it.  I'll always have your back.

She smiled at that and put the phone away, then poured herself some water.  When she came out, her dad's tie was perfect, and her mother was standing there with the bouquet of flowers.  Grandma Maria beamed at her.  The wedding planner fussed over her while the photographer took some photos of them all, including her six bridesmaids, well matrons as most of them were married.  On the limousine over she thought of all her worries about the man her father would finally approve of.  It was easier after Loki willingly took himself out of contention, then Brock showed himself to be a total asshole in front of her parents.  She could live with the man who was chosen and make it work.

At the church, there were all sorts of photographers, some of them likely FBI plants as her father was still a person of interest, as were many of the guests.  But he did promise Tia that he intended to bow out of that type of work and build up the legitimate areas, without even using laundered money.  After all, he wanted his youngest daughter to be happy. 

The walk up the steps of the church was interrupted by calls of the photographers to pose but she only slowed down, anxious to get this part of her life over with and begin her life as a wife, then mother.  At the top of the stone steps, she looked back towards the street and saw James' Mustang, smiling that it was there.  She stepped inside and the wedding planner took over, positioning the flower girls (a niece from each side), then the bridesmaids / matrons, a combination of one girlfriend, her sisters and his sisters, sending them down the aisle.  One of her brothers-in-law escorted her mother to her pew.  She had wanted them both to walk her down the aisle, but her father put his foot down; traditionally only the father could give the bride away.  Then everyone stood up and she knew her moment had come. 

Her groom came out from the vestry, but she couldn't see him over the number of people who blocked her view.  Then Tia took her father's arm and began the walk towards the altar.  It wasn't until she was three quarters of the way down that she finally saw James, in his black tuxedo, white shirt, and black tie, with a boutonnière in his lapel.  He gazed at her with glassy eyes, then offered his hand to her when she was close.  Her father kissed her cheek, then kissed James' before lightly slapping him on the cheek to get his attention.

"You do right by her," he murmured.

"Yes sir, that's my plan."

Finally, it was just them, in front of the priest, and he began the service asking if there was anyone who objected to this couple marrying.  You could have heard a pin drop in the silence, then he smiled at them and began the service.

Rule #8, No excessive tongue in a Catholic wedding ceremony.  It's not classy and even though the people in the church for a mob wedding might be considered criminals they aren't animals.

The kiss before they walked down the aisle as husband and wife was just as good as the kiss at Coney Island.  They could both hear the sighs of delight from the women who were present thrilled at the absolutely perfect husband that Tia Brancato, now Tia Barnes had.  When they exited the church, having rice thrown at them, because that was traditional, James opened the front door of his 1994 Mustang GT and tucked Tia's dress into the front seat around her legs.  Then he went around to the driver's side, got in, and started it up, revving it a few times before he peeled away, with the sounds of tin cans rattling behind him.  On the back window the Just Married that was drawn on with washable paint soon faded away from view.  The limousine driver opened the door for the parents and the bridal party.  They would meet James and Tia at Prospect Park for the photos. 

In the Mustang, Tia looked at her handsome husband, James.

"You came," she said.  "You brought Portia."  She gestured to the car.

"I promised," he replied.  "Said I would always have your back."  He drove for another minute.  "Did you mean it, about getting pregnant?"

"I'm off the pill and I might be ovulating," she said.  "If it happens, it happens.  I'll be happy either way."

"Are you okay that we're waiting until tonight?" 

He glanced at her.  It was something he suggested once her father announced that James could propose to Tia.

"If it's anything like our first kiss I won't be disappointed."  She placed her hand on his.  "Besides, there's always Rules #9 and 10."  He laughed, having been briefed on the other rules already, especially the ones that were her rules.  "Rule #9, No matter what, we'll make it work."

"And Rule #10?"

"Whatever will be will be.  You knew when you first saw me when I was a kid that you liked me.  I knew when I first saw you in my dad's office that I wanted you.  It was meant to be."

"I love the Rules."  He raised her hand to his lips and kissed the knuckle.  "I love you."

That evening, their first dance was to Que Sera Sera, otherwise known as Whatever Will Be, Will Be.  It always was Tia's favourite rule.

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One Shots Masterlist

[gallavich-gunk]

List of time fiona cries in Shameless(US):

Season 1 episode 8 "its time to kill the turtle" fiona is forced to work at a sports bar where she is objectified

Season 1 episode 9 "but at last came a knock" fiona is confronted with the first return of Monica and makes the point she was left to mother her children when she needed a mother herself

Season 2 episode 4 "a beautiful mess" goes to toilet after Craig heissener and wife come to the Gallaghers, not fully clear why she cries maybe as she's sad she let Debbie down with her party or she feels bad about sleeping with a married man

Season 2 episode 10 "a great cause"

She was relying on Monica to help with the family while she got her GED and started doing things for herself but realising after Monica crashed a car and stole the squirrel fund this wasn't going to work

Season 2 episode 12 "fiona interrupted" the fallout of Monica trying to kill herself

Season 3 episode 5 "the sins of my caretaker" Jimmy and fiona got into a fight because Jimmy got so upset his dad was gay and kept complaining while fiona had to dig up a body and then Jimmy left

Season 3 episode 6 "cascading failures"

The kids have been taken by dcfs

Season 3 episode 12 "survival of the fittest" Steve has left her and she just had to tell Frank he was dying because of alcohol and needs to keep himself alive for his kids

Season 4 episode 5 "there's the rub"

Fiona was just arrested after Liam got into her coke

Season 4 episode 6 "iron city"

Fiona is checked in at prison and again when on phone to lip about how Liam was harmed in the overdose

Season 4 episode 8 "hope springs paternal" everyone has left fiona alone in the house as she pissed everyone off especially lip who blames her for what happened to liam

Season 4 episode 9 "legend of bonnie and carl" fiona struggles to get a job and after being rejected by the cuppers goes and blames that dickhead brother guy

Season 4 episode 10 "Liver I hardly know her" fiona got stuck in sheboiagain and feels bad for fucking things up

Season 5 episode 6 "crazy love" had a long run of no tears but then Jimmy Steve returns and she cheats on husband gus with him

Season 6 episode 3 "the F word" fiona cries several times due to hormones but also dealing with a lot of family drama, dealing with the fallout of her marriage and navigating shawn having come off the wagon

Season 6 episode 9 "a yurt of ones own" after Shawn's son finds Carl's gun and he potentially loses custody he blames it on fiona and they temporarily break up

Season 6 episode 12 "familia supra gallegorious omnia!" Frank reveals shawn is still using heroine at fiona and Shawn's wedding and then shawn walks out on her

Season 7 episode 8 "you sold me the laundromat, remember?" Fiona has a hysterical breakdown whilst trying to fix the laundromat and everything going wrong at once

Season 7 episode 11 "happily ever after" fiona has to put etta in assisted living (honestly RIP Etta so was such a great character)

Season 7 episode 12 "requiem for a slut" She tears up a bit at Monica's funeral

Season 8 episode 6/7 "face it youre gorgeous"/"going down like the titanic" probably one of fionas biggest breakdowns of the whole series, she doesn't have lunch money, basically ford's a dickhead she looses all her money, her car and her apartment building and misses Ian going into prison

Then she leaves in the next few episodes and probably cries then too? If she does I missed it lol

Also please appreciate this data I gathered for no reason other than I wanted to✨️

[horrorhare]

LOOK UP THR ACCOUNT @jimmyskibidicouncil THERE IS A WHOLE ACCOUNT DEDICATED TO GETTING PEOPLE TO DRSW JIMMY URINE SKIBIDI TOILET FOR THWM 😭

interesting… although I have recently learned 3 out of the 4 messages sent to me were in fact my friends fucking with me (which I figured was the case)

however… the original Gerard Way one is still a mystery to me… I pray I haven’t been found by the Jimmy Urine Skibidi Toilet Squad I would like to continue to stay far away from anything relating to that man

[partypoison0102]

Please draw gerard way as skibidi toilet

-Jimmy urine skibidi toilet anon 1

Fuck no

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM REDLETTERMEDIA *  assorted lines from their youtube videos, adjust as necessary

jimmy fallon? the only thing he should host is a parasite.

is he some kind of secret asshole?

well, that was a success.

i may have gone a bit too far in a few places.

i'm a top. clearly.

you can get stabbed with a medieval sword!

it would suck to have to replace me.

look at this fucking shit!

three terrible things happened to us.

that's probably because of your face.

if i had that shirt... i would be so ashamed.

there's a lot going wrong there.

i think it's pretty obvious that the one thing a guy wants is sex.

he said he wanted to make us suffer.

how can i make real friends?

i know. it's unfortunate, but this is the way it has to be.

it's a fucking circle!

they're doing their best.

push the whopper button.

don't show weakness!

i'm never going outside again.

that's the strangest thing anyone's ever said to me.

oh fuck, that was my tooth.

fuck my life.

it can never be undone.

how embarrassing.

we've had success on a level that's not been seen.

it's stylistically designed to be that way.

oh my god, i want to punch this movie.

how can i get naked real fast?

we don't know what the fuck this is.

you ever put your hand in a bucket of muck?

people watch movies on their fucking phones now.

it's cool to say you're a nerd, but it's still not cool to be a nerd.

oh my god, what's wrong with your face?

baby jesus is an asshole.

it's ironic, because i have no manners!

true evil never dies. it is only reborn.

i can finally find out what happened in my early childhood.

let's see what's going to kill us slowly.

the nunchucks are actually gun-chucks.

what did you think of benedict cabbagepatch?

oh yeah, i fucking love star wars.

everything's a knife.

i was just thinking about beating somebody's head in with the back end of a rifle.

where's my check?

this is not staged. i want to reiterate that.

i hope she falls down the stairs.

you ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.

i'm not surprised. it is very phallic.

take that, patriarchy!

what i'm saying is that you don't run to a toilet to fart.

that was funny... wasn't it?

was that gunshots?

are you ready to salvage this evening?

you get away from me! i'm tired of your shit!

what is the fuck?

it's like opening a wonka bar.

how many times have i said that before?

you know more about this model than i do.

that's pretty mean of you to say.

give us something. give us something!

it's like poetry. it rhymes.

he has a fucking medieval sword!

no one remembers what's on this shelf.

this shirt is fucking awesome and you can't handle it.